To know me, you have to read me. Otherwise, I'm just like everybody else. Without identity. Choose well.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Remember


 
My old happy place...

"That is why I write to try to turn sadness into longing, solitude into remembrance. So that when I finish telling myself the story, I can toss it into the Piedra. Only then... will the water extinguish what the flames have written." -- By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept


There will come a point in your life where you want the waters to extinguish what the flames have written. I have reached that point. And I really do pray to all the angels and saints that everything I write here will be extinguished. As I toss them all to the river that is the World Wide Web. A fair warning, this is kind of a painful blog with a bitter tone. I wrote this one month after the breakup. It is part of my moving on process. My Anger and Depression stage. Allow me to express it all.

To the person who I never thought would want to hurt me like this by letting me go, who I never thought would want to live his life without me, who I never thought would choose the easy life over me, who I never thought will really do all these things, I am writing this to you. And I hope as I remember all these memories, you will remember them too. That you will breakdown into tiny little pieces as you are engulfed with the overpowering feeling of loss and grief. When you wake up in the morning. When you try to sleep at night. Or just anywhere, anytime, any place they hit you. I use to have tears for breakfast and before sleeping. I wished then, every time, that you will hurt as much as I did. That you will cry as much as I did. But I know you, I know you too well, and I know you won't be like that. That you won't even break down or cry. Or be as miserable as I was. I hope you realize how much pain you put me through. And I hope you feel so sorry for doing this to me. That you will feel so bad for hurting the one person who truly cared about you. Your best friend and lover.  And it would dawn on you, that someone who used to mean so much to you is becoming and will become, a stranger once again.
__________________________________________________________

I hope you remember, all these little things...

-When you see a girl posing and her man is behind the camera. When you used to be the Instagram boyfriend. And you had an Instagram girl.

-When you hear or read my name anywhere. Or any of my pet names and yours. Or our endearments. And you remember how you use to say it. And how I use to say it. How you can still hear my voice. Reverberating in your head from time to time. Hearing all those gentle reminders. That you try so hard to shake off.

-When you play your mobiles games, and remember when we played it together. How my eyes lit up with our little competitions and prizes. And how you remember the things you were still supposed to treat me with from Trivia Crack. When you taught me Warcraft at my old apartment. When we play board games or PC games, remember Poker? Gun bound? Hero sky, COC, CRo? How you were so passionate in teaching me all the strategies and techniques. And how I’ve always wanted to learn them all. For you. And yes, because I wanted to play them too.

-When you go back to the places we’ve been to. And that’s almost everywhere. Malls, restaurants, convenience stores, hotels, hospitals, IT park, place to be, cafes. And you feel that choking feeling of missing it all. Like your heart constricts and feels heavy. And you just break down and cry. In a mall bench, shoe section, waiting lounge in a clinic room, or outside a convenience store.

-When you hear our little inside jokes, (Why not chocnut, Of course golf course, Super saiyan, doggie, kitty, wrestling, metime)

-When you hear the songs we used to send to each other. In Spotify.

-When you see links or posts we use to share in our fb group because we both know what interests the other. The debates. The discussions. Posts about petite girls. Or wonder women. Or racism. Or viral stupidities. We liked them. We were like minds after all.

-When you open your fridge, and remember, how I used to call it heaven. When you see chocolates, cakes, and other sweet things you used to give me from time to time.

-When you use FB at work and how we both use to chat everyday. About anything under the sun. And how you used to check if there was already a reply. Because there was always a reply. When you’re not afraid that I would stop talking or ask you about your life, because you were sure that you had that someone who will always listen and care. Where you never had to be anxious if their interest wavers over time or if you have the same wavelength. Where you never had to feel it is futile to find that connection and conversations end. Because you had a sure thing going on. You had that sure girl. But that sure girl who made you a priority, you had hurt her so much. She’d been crying in her work station, while her workmates are oblivious that she’s going through a very rough time. No one knew. Not even Facebook. Aside from closest friends and nieces, the rest of the world was by and large, unaware.

- When we use to send pictures about something that interests us. Or where we are. And what we are doing. When I use to share pictures of my outfits and you keep them because you liked them. When you use to like me in skirts and cropped tops. Or fashionable dresses. And corporate attires. When you see a fashionable girl, and when you used to had someone like her.

- When you watch movies or shows and there are petite and tall couples in it. Or seeing couples per se. Or remembering, how we used to watch our favorite shows together or recommend a movie and you don't have anyone to tease or talk about it. About our theories and learnings. Is Jon Snow really alive?

- When you use your Bluetooth and see my phone’s name. And remember all the times we use to Bluetooth  pictures before we knew about Share it.

- When someone post a dinner date with their partners and uses hashtags like #busoglusog #namjachingu. Because I used to do that. We used to have our own hashtags.

-When you realize no one gets angry on your behalf anymore. On all occasions. No one who goes super saiyan on people that make life hard for you. When a bad day is just going to be a bad day. Because there’s no one who can lift you up just by the thought of having them in your life.

-When you miss having someone to tell you off about going home late, or smoking, or being too paranoid. Who can rationalize and logicalize with you to calm your nerves and restless mind.

-When you see white hairs, and how I use to pluck yours to pass time.

-When you see a guy brushing off the hair of his girl, and you remember how mine used to feel under your fingertips.

-When it rains. And you remember the girl who used to love rain so much, she listens to it when she sleeps. And you use to chat each other whenever it’s raining, just to say, “It’s raining!”

-When you dine with your friends on a weekday, and I use to spend my lunch break on that. Or even hanging out on weekends. And your friends are with their partners. Then you remember the space I use to sit, the one beside you, and you holding my hand or touching my back. Then it hits you, the feeling of profound longing. And it breaks your heart. Seeing that empty space. And you’ll feel the loss all over again.

-When you ask your friends to hangout and they pause to check if they can go because it might be their date days with their partners. And you remember how you used to have that option too. How you used to have someone to check with too.

-When you travel with your friends, and remember the part I used to be in. And the space I used to occupy. As you see your friends with their partners. Taking care of each other. And you remember the reason why you didn’t want to be back to those times you travelled with them and not have a partner too.

-When you lost your best friend and dog Spam, and then you met me. And in some way I was there to replace the hole he left.  When you remember the first time I told you the words in Cafe Caw near JY mall. How happy you were when I said it. When we got caught at a No U-Turn slot, and you were just glad that you have me to cheer you up. What happened to all of that gladness?

-When you finish your puzzle, and remember the time I gave it to you. How happy you were. With all the other gifts we bought with precise thoughtfulness for each other. And how we won’t be doing anything like that anymore. How we see something at the mall or online and think, he would have liked this.

-When you watch “wrestling” and you remember the things we did. In exact detail. And you remember the feeling. Of having me. And the difficulty to control yourself from finding me is overpowering. Did you satiate that with a quick fix, or are you satiating it with the real thing?

-When someone is sleeping next to you, say your brother, and you remember the times I was sleeping next to you. In exact detail. Then you remember our cuddles, our dawn times when we wake up just to bother each other. Then waking up in the morning from each other’s touch. There was one time in the apartment I remember you caressing my face, I was sleeping but I felt it. I didn’t stir so you can continue doing it. At that moment, I wished time would stop for a little longer.

-When you stay in a hotel, and remember our staycation in Radisson, when we were just watching TV and you playing your games, and I told you, it would be nice to just have these moments from time to time.  And how we won’t have those moments anymore. While the coldness of the hotel bed creeps up and leaves you crying silently.

-When you travel to a mountain resort and remember our Aloguinsan trip. The joyride. The fun times with your friends. And how I am not going to be part of those trips anymore. You’d remember that moment we were goofing around on the bed futon on the floor and you were on top semi-wrestling me and I couldn’t overpower you. And we were just laughing like mad. At that moment I wished again, time would stop and we would stay as happy like that for a longer time. But you go back to reality, and you are on a mountain resort with family and yet, you still feel the emptiness. You keep thinking, I could have come here with you.

-When you travel to an island and you remember our Boracay trip. The ports. The boat rides. The tours. And you break down. On a passenger boat. Reminiscing how happy our Boracay trip was. And going on tour thinking, it could have been us. You would have loved the scenery too. You would have been in awe just like I was. I wanted to tell you how my trips went. But there’s no one to share those pictures and wonders anymore. And you realize once again, you have lost your best friend.

-When you travel abroad, to China and Japan, and you remember our Singapore trip. How happy we had been. How excited we were. To plan itineraries of our own. To commute to places like it’s our first time commuting. And how we decipher road signs and bus stops. We were a great team. We were each other’s support system. But you didn’t want it anymore. You didn’t want to be with me. You didn’t want the fun I use to bring to your trips. You wanted to go solo and on a backpacking trip to Japan. You wanted to finally reach your dream, the Japan dream, alone. You didn’t want me to be a part of it. And even if I was okay for you to do all that alone, that's when I knew, that's when it dawned on me, how much I am not part of even just your immediate future. How much you don’t think about US. Even if it only meant, thinking about trips together. I was the temporary girl. I had an expiration date.


These memories, caught me unawares and hit me hard. These were the memories I treasured. The little things that made me want and stay in the relationship. The things I appreciated. They were a lot, but these ones are the ones that hurt most to remember. I remembered them in exact detail, and I broke down at those places. A broken hearted guy friend asked me, do you girls really breakdown anytime and anywhere after a breakup? I said, yes, every broken hearted girl does. But it doesn't last too long. And most of us hide it pretty well from plain sight. Because breaking down (especially anywhere) makes us feel better after. It may look pathetic and it may look crazy, but that's how we grieve properly. And that's how we find the courage to empower ourselves after that. So there you go, those were my thoughts, those were my experiences. I hope you get to experience them too. So you would feel how much pain I used to be in.


But no, guys like you, mind over heart guys, will probably just shrug them all off. Keep yourself busy with your business, games, and friends. Or worse, other women. And back then that's what hurts even more, to know that you are too determined to let me go. As if I was someone, someone needs to escape from. How dare you made me feel that I am someone, someone needs to forget.  That I am a continuous mistake you had to stop making. That I am a guilty pleasure you had to stop getting. You made it seem like it is a bad thing to fall in love with me. And to continue to fall. How dare you make me feel that way during the end. When in truth, I should be the one escaping from you. From a guy like you. Not one person, my friends, your friends, my nieces, not even you, can deny the fact of how well I treated you. You told me, not one day has passed that you didn't care about me. And yes, that is true. But you should know, not one day has passed too that I didn't love you. Even when I was angry. How I sacrificed and accepted a lot of things just to be with you. Without question. Without hesitation. I gave you everything I could offer. And yet...

To be continued...

4 comments:

  1. why you do this to me lia? omg. i am utterly bawling here like mad! i wish i can hug you right now. i can feel the pain straight through! ugh. #somanyfeels

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have been told that I write painfully. Hehe. I know you would have my friend. I wish you were here too Ima! So we can do our marathons like before with Febbe. I miss you guys! Hugggsssss... :'(

      Delete
  2. I cried silently...
    I'm glad I was able to hug you mem.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You already cried with me that time you hugged me mem. And for that I will always be forever grateful. :) For being there through one of the toughest times in my life. FFL! :D

      Delete