To be or not to be

crossroads X

Immobilized. Indecisive. Solicitous. I have never been this overwrought since the last time I had to make a decision to change lifestyles. It wasn't hard then. I had grand plans. Life was a painting of adventure. Now that I have experienced it, I concede it's true, that our choices show what we truly are. Far more than our abilities.

I am in my wildest crossroads yet. Roads at that as their are too many choices. Not the regular ones but the life-changing, career-pathing, and self-actualization options. For the past days I have thought nothing but what to decide. The sense of urgency is what's immobilizing me. Or the opportunity will pass me like catching a droplet of water in a vast expanse of dry land. Sigh. I wish life can be calculated like a mathematical equation. Or a multiple choice exam. And solutions are derived from the hypothesis of an experiment. But that's not how it works. To the most essential parts.

Decision making has never been my strength. Not that I keep failing at my choices. More of, the process never grew on me despite the numerous resolution issues I have to tackle with customers everyday. Right now I have 5 major paths to choose from. Only one of which will be the easiest to take and accept. Option number 1. Option 2 will not be easy as it involves moving up but a very good recourse if I'd like to stay in my comfort zone. And herein lies my anxiety if I can stand up and brace it. As per my mentor, if you do this now, there's no turning back. This will be the YOU in your future. Which is something you have to nurture, protect, and exceed from. A fact that cripples me. You see, going for it takes more than just guts, experience, and skill. You have to have passion for it. You have to understand it fully to be IT. The question is, do I?

Option 3 is what I prefer due to personal issues but is the riskiest to boot. As what my colleague said, "You'll be like a butterfly lost in a wild forest there." Nyahahaha. I never thought she'd know me to that extent. Given our differences. Anyway, yes, ditto on that. But I really want to try a new place. Live in a new environment. Try to survive in a big city. I'm living in a city too but my city is like Bohol's man-made forest while there is like the Amazon's rainforests. Wild and unforgiving. Not for the weak-hearted. Despite how many times I reiterate the pro's and con's in my mind, my overpowering need to go independent just bites at me every chance it gets. FREEDOM is madness. Mind candy for fools. Tsk2. Option 4 though if realized, will render option 3's anxieties, meaningless. As it will prove immaterial. Also, it will make option 2's crippling effect lesser. Because it's something I have worked with for the past year. It wouldn't be too hard now would it? :D That is if it's going to be realized. Really.

Option 5 is by far the worst I have come in contact with, which is just recently. A whole lot different from the rest. It's a complete turn-about like a 360-degree-turn. Wait, that doesn't make sense. It will bring me to the same spot. Well then, a 180-degree turn would do. Hehe. Going back, I just thought I had trashed all my aspirations of getting my dream job. But here it is, slapping me in the face for  my hypocrisy. So it never died then. And I guess it never will. But OH MY, it gave me the hardest dilemma since I started this craze last July.   What to do? What to do?? When will I be able to decide? Until when? When all this is gone? I need divine intervention. But how? I've been out of touch for more than a year now. Sad. :|

I don't know how to go about all of this. I don't know if I'll make the right decision. I don't know if I'll have my chance at that even. But I know for sure, I have to decide, A.S.A.P.... T_T