Blue Christmas

Somebody once asked, have you ever been alone in a crowded room? I said, yeah, usually. I was known for having my own world and spacing out often. And I reveled in the thought of such recognition. Exaggerated much. :)

Christmas is nearing but I can't feel it's spirit. Especially when your kins are not helping. You start giving. Then you are expected to give. Then they'll want more. You extend a hand, they'll want your arm. When you can no longer provide, you're the bad arse. Is this what you call Christmas??? But enough of that because that is a different issue I could not yet afford to disclose. On a different note, I am BORED. Despite all the parties, outings, and jam packed scheds, I feel BORED for the first time since I can remember.

One thing I could pride of is that, I rarely get bored. And that's mostly because I can brainstorm with myself and my other self. Or what someone just told me, my IMAGINARY friends. I'm bored and sad, hence my fb status, "Life has finally gotten to my nerves. This has become the saddest time of my year. I wish there was a cure. But the impairment is irreparable that even the highest dosage of anti-deppressants wouldn't suffice."

Let me make it clear, I do not take joy in feeling miserable. I'm no masochist. I recoil in the slightest of pain as what I always said for having low pain threshold. Choosing to be happy had somehow worked for me for the past years, until NOW. I am not known for complaining about the rest of the world. That is not my burden to take. As I had just told someone in response to the above status... " I am not the sad person you think I am. If you ask people, they'd think I don't have a problem with the world. Nobody ever sees me sad. I do not show it. But I share my thoughts to the closest of friends. What I tell the world is not even 1/4 of what I think. I am not sad just because of all my misfortunes or who i'm with. If I had given in to that, I would have been insane since I was a kid. There are far greater things in the world that most people do not care about or failed to value because they have it. I am not saying I am deprived. But to the most essential parts, I am. Don't you think I have not been choosing to be happy? I would not last a day in the world if I don't. But choosing to be happy is different from gaining happiness. All the overkill is tiring. Think of having to do it since time immemorial. It get's exhausting. Even to the best of us. I have vowed never to give up on life. But I'm not ecstatic of the thought that I'm on the brink of it. Do not worry about me though. I can take care of myself. "

That partially wraps it all up. Everything is indeed becoming an overkill for me. I don't want to say that maybe the universe is conspiring against me because that is just seriously egotistical. But I'd like to point out that even though I am a speck in the dust, I still EXIST. Who would think for myself but me? I can't depend on others to care. Nor can I force others to get involved.

The point of the matter is, if in the gaieties of it all and yet you do not feel a part of it, something is OFF. I am not sure if it is because you're doing a lot of things that it doesn't make sense anymore. It's like asking, what are you doing with your life? What's in it for you? Everything seems like a temporary aid to the void. But afterwards, you dwell back to the hollow depths. I have never seen myself in a worst state. I shudder to think that for the rest of my life, I might live outside my mind. But that's just me being morbid. Nothing has ever scared me more than THAT. :)