It's been a along time since I last posted on my blog. It's been 5 months. Wow. What have I been doing? Ow yeah. I remember. I was in a state of stupor. The drugs finally addled my brain. Hahaha. Anyway, I have a new series of letters I am going to post. Finally! I have an addition to my collection. This time, It's my story. :D Stay tuned! ^^
A message to him
177-G T.Padilla Street
August 22, 2013
I had done some thinking. Which I'm sure you're well aware of. And I came to a realization that it only boils down to one single question. A question that most Filipina women do not ask. Something we usually wait from our men. I think it's something you wont know because it seems you didn't research on Filipinas and our culture like I told u too. Hehe. It will take a lot of courage for any decent Filipina to ask it. More especially to white men. As most of the times we're really just afraid we might not like the answer. And lose face. Haha. Do you understand where Im getting at? Probably no. Haha. (Talking to myself again.) This is something that is expected from our men. It's understandable if you don't get this logic since we must have cultural differences. (And I'm becoming a teacher now. Hehe.)
I'm getting really confused. And I hate staying confused. Its like some mind game. A battle of wills. If you have time to read my about me in [social network concealed] again, you will understand why. ^^ [about me concealed] I have my own personal reservations about this as well which also adds up to my confusion (the stuffs I was thinking about that I didn't want to tell you). I wanted to wait for you to bring anything up that's why I wanted you to ask me one question but you didn't seem to take it seriously. Hehe. I'm not sure what you're reasons are or if you have any. But since you owe me one question, I'm gonna ask only one question too. And your answer will depend on where this will go. Or if there's any follow up questions.
This is me trying to get some peace of mind before you go. So I wouldn't have to think about bad things (if you know what I mean) while you're away because I have already laid my cards. I don't know if this is too early and if this will scare you off because right now, I just really need confirmation once and for all.
I have observed that you don't show feelings nor acknowledge anything emotional between us. And you probably observed the same with me. I can't even determine if there's a silent agreement that we are being exclusive or not. We must have our reasons and lets keep it to ourselves until we can sort this out. If we can. ^^
I wanted to ask this in person but you didn't ask to see me so I'll just do it here. Please don't answer yet. No. I'm "ordering" you not to answer until you get back from Coron. (This is a serious request.) Do not text me as well as I won't be. Because I will try my best not to. And you know I'm driven. I want you to think about it. And also have fun there without having to be pressured at anything. You know just think about it. Haha. So I wont expect any text or msg from you until Thursday ok? If you don't have an answer at all by Thursday I'll take it as a negative. And don't worry, I won't take it against you. (This is the extent of my awesome kindness. Hehe.) I'm sure you've realized I have quite a number of self-inflicted rules. But they always say, that's what makes me interesting. ^^ So after this lengthy disclaimer which can already qualify as a blog (haha), here's my question...
"What are we?/What do you want with me?"
This might be a lot of questions but if you really think about it, it means the same thing. It means one direct question that I didn't want to ask. Yet. ^^
Everybody who knows me can attest that I am not the emotional type. Somebody even told me once that I am cold-hearted. Emotionally barren. Heart of stone. You name it. I have this facade of the unfazed, strong-willed, indifferent-to-the-world kind of aura that people deem as my strength. But is it? :)
I used to shy away from suitors. I remember during high school days, I even tore a letter given by someone I didn't like. I even asked a friend to return the girly stickers that came with it. Such a meanie. Or probably that was my defense mechanism of an affection that I am not used to having or showing. I come from a dysfunctional family where even saying, "happy birthday, happy mothers/fathers day, merry christmas" and the like is seriously awkward. Believe me or not, I don't believe I have ever greeted my parents on any occasion yet. That's how seriously low our emotional quotient is. I pride myself of being calm and composed. I don't easily get upset nor panic about anything. Except of course earthquakes and cockroaches. :D But there are things I can't handle very well. I can not handle people crying in front of me. Nor friends who are used to hugging. Or sweet couples on the street. I get uneasy. And I hate staying uneasy. I guess I hate things that destroy my peaceful disposition eh? :)
Then I realized that I can't stay emotionally unattached if I am searching for the one thing that I can not seem to have but have always prayed for. LOVE. Yeah. Such a big word. I am not a fan of big words. PROMISES. PLEDGES. OATHS. I don't believe in that. But I do believe in action. TRUST, LOYALTY, FAITH. Do you see the difference? Big words are just WORDS. While action is REAL. However, words without realization is empty. Realization without affirmation is confusing. The two must complement to reach a certain understanding. Give and take.
I had never quite understood the logic behind relationships. Because the only relationship I had that was close to love was friendship. Most of the times, I get them confused. And so gave me my self-inflicted heartbreaks. One-sided longings. Unrequited love interests. I vowed, after my last almost lover, that I will not fall again first. That next time, we must meet halfway. Ideal. But then as with ideals, it's also almost impossible. I have to change myself too. My expectations, perspective, and apprehensions.
I had been dating for almost a year now. I meet. I like. I fall. He falters. He breaks. I hurt. I move on. I meet. And it was a never ending cycle. I remember a quote I stumbled upon in my reading,
"I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does.But if we're alone, we become even more alone." -- By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept (book)This struck me. Indeed, it's true. You don't wait for love. You look for it. And you embrace it. And this is me braving the seas. I'f I am not there yet at my destination, at least I'm closer to it than where I was before. ^^