continuation from DABDA part 2...
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DEPRESSION
Depression is the worst part of all
the stages. (Update: This stage was written before I started dating my 2nd ex and finished right before I gave birth.) It will leave you in a pile of wet tissues, big puffy eyes, and
long blank moments. This is where you feel that the entire world is crashing
down on you. Where everything doesn’t make sense anymore. Where nothing could
possibly take you out of your stupor. Nothing excites you or makes you want to
get up in the morning. You just want to lie in bed crying and retracing all
your conversations and decisions. What went wrong? Could I have done anything
better? Did I make the wrong decision? All of your self-pity will keep
resurfacing and bite you every chance it gets. Over and over again. This phase
is not continuous as well. You can stay in these phase for a few days, and then
be okay for a while, and then go back again after a few days. It is going to be
intermittent, but be grateful for the good days and stay strong during the bad
ones.
This is the cycle you wish you can
get out of with the snap of a finger. But it doesn’t work that way. Again, as I
have reiterated in my previous blogs, this is part of the process. As per The
Fault In Our Stars, “Pain demands to be felt.” You have to allow yourself to
grieve. You have to give yourself ample time to cry it all out and get it out
of your system. There is no shortcut to pain and moving on. You have to
eventually let all those that hurt, hurt you. Let it hurt you, every morning,
every night, the next day, or weeks, or months. Let it hurt you. Until it can
no longer hurt you anymore. For every memory, every place, every occasion,
every wardrobe, every gift, every restaurant, every inside joke, every
hug, every kiss in the forehead, every memorabilia’s left in your place, for
each of them, grieve. Grieve as if you’re burying all of them, all of the
memories that came with it and all of the feelings attached to it. There is no
better way of letting something go, except feel the pain and let it pass
through. What worked well for me is, I do some visualizations. I envision my
pain inside my body as a built up darkness that I am siphoning off as I cry it
out, and it disintegrates into thin air. It has proven effective most of the
times. But first, you have to accept this one truth, the other person is gone
now and will not come back. Accept that first, because you can’t let go of
something, which you haven’t accepted as no longer yours, and hasn’t been for a
while.
You are going to feel like you’re
insane. Crying over a Disney movie or Game of Thrones show you once watched
together. Crying over a joke or meme you once shared to each other. Crying
while playing PC, mobile, or board games which was once your favorite thing to
do. Crying over your common interests, common likes and dislikes, common stuff
like couple rings, shirts, caps, luggages, or shoes. Basically, you’re going to
hurt and cry for all the things that reminded you of your relationship and your
partner. You’re going to be crying a lot. Don’t stop it. Whenever you remember
a memory that stings, cry it out. Whether you’re at a public place, at work
(probably go to the CR first), or church (most comforting place for crying).
Let it happen everyday or for the next weeks and months. Why? Because you know
what, at some point in a given day, you’ll get tired of crying. You’ll find
that reprieve. Be thankful for that reprieve. Even if it’s for just an hour or
two. Even if you’ll cry again after that. Trust that there is going to be
another break from crying. I find that I have a particularly hard time in the
morning, and I cry within the first half of the day. As the day progresses, I
get so tired from crying that I just get numb and sleepy. And since I get to
talk to my friends at work about it, I feel a whole lot better by the end of
the day. I end up sleeping early until I wake up again and that the cycle
repeats. Don’t worry, it’s a cycle that will break sooner or later.
Sooner or later, your reprieve will be longer, sooner it will not just be an
hour but half a day. Then it will be one day or a few days. Then it becomes a
week. So trust in the process, it will get better trust me. It is important to
know that, it will all be entirely normal. It doesn’t mean that it’s taking you
weeks or months to get out of your depression, that you are crazy. Or that, it
means you will never get out of it unless you get back with your partner. No,
you have to keep going back to the reasons why it never worked out and will
never work out in the first place. You have to constantly redirect your
thoughts to what matters to you, not just in the present, but in the future. It
will hurt. Like stabbing yourself over and over again. But that is what’s
supposed to happen. You just have to remind yourself to endure it.
I do not personally suggest
listening to sad songs or watching love stories while crying or eating ice
cream. That is a very masochistic thing to do when you’re trying to find
reprieve not unnecessary pain.
It will be hard to get up in the
morning. If you need to take a leave from work. Do it. At least a few days to
at most a week or two. Allow yourself that much time to be with family and
friends. Brainstorm with them and cry with them. But you have to go back to
your world after that. Don’t prolong that leave of absence. You have to
will yourself to get up, get dressed, and go to work. I have found that staying
at work is surprisingly helpful than staying at home moping by yourself. You
can do all the moping in the morning and at night, but let yourself get some
reprieve from your destructive thoughts and get some work done within the day.
I became a workaholic after my breakup. I despised weekends because it meant
all day crying. This is if my friends aren’t available to hang out with. And
that lasted for a few months. Around 5-7months. That may have been too long for
some of you, but it wasn’t that bad. Most of the times, I had friends spend
those weekends with me. And eventually, I started liking weekends again around
the 6th month, even if I’m just by myself. I could stay home again and
binge-watch shows. However, I found a better way to spend my weekends. I found
a better way to feel less alone.
I went back to school. I enrolled
in Law school. Now, I spend my weekends at school and studying out. This was my
key in getting out of my depression totally. I started feeling better about
myself and my capabilities. I started remembering my worth. I realized that the
root cause of my depression and pain in my past relationship was that I felt
too little about my self-worth and value. So my action plan was to invest in
myself more. Find a dream that actually makes sense. Find a passion that makes
you worthy in any one’s eyes. At first, I did it with the intention of spiting
my ex. But eventually that wears off. When you find something you actually love
doing, you do it now for yourself. Not for anyone. You will come to realize
that, nothing is sexier and more alluring than a person with direction and
dedication.
ACCEPTANCE
This is the last stage of grieving.
This is a tricky stage. We keep thinking we have accepted everything, then
often find ourselves that we really haven't. It's been 3 years (as of this
writing) since the first breakup that started this blog series. (Update: Wrote this stage 3 months after my breakup with my second ex.) In those years,
there were many times I was proven wrong by my idea of acceptance. But
acceptance has its own phases that goes through a process as well.
Stage 1 - The IN DENIAL acceptance.
This is when you flip through all 5 stages at once, in a day or in weeks. Or
when you think that at 2 weeks, 1 month, 3 months, or 6 months, you have
accepted it. But actually, no. All you have done during these times is really
just coping. For women, at 2 weeks, we are still crying and eating our ice
creams watching love stories or listening to love songs. At 1 month, we have
gained a little composure and have created a routine to keep ourselves busy.
But breakdowns are still frequent. At 3 months, we have somehow found reprieve
from the sadness. We have started feeling genuinely happy for some of the
things we do. We start dating for the sake of breaking the emotional turmoil of
the breakup. However, after a month, we realize we are not ready at all. These
are few moments that we confuse with thinking we have accepted everything.
But it doesn’t last. The breakdown comes back after 2 weeks. It becomes a
cycle. Two weeks of seeming happiness, then back to 1 week of breakdown. This
goes on until 5 months. At 5 months, we start dating again. This time, dating
with emotions. You actually date someone who makes you feel again. However, the
pain is still there and ghosts of past experiences and some longing that ruins the
probable happiness of the present. So you stop dating again and finally get the
break from constantly trying to find what can mask the pain and face it head
on.
Stage 2 – The FEARLESS acceptance.
This is when you start not fearing seeing your ex. The “in all honesty”
unafraid of bumping into them. Not the in denial unafraid, but the fearless
encounters. We all have been there. Fear is actually a big part of gauging if
you have almost moved on. I say almost. Because you’re not there yet. Don’t
worry, it won’t take long. At 7-9 months, you either find a new love, new
passion, or just simply a better perspective, happier demeanor, and rigorous
goals which will completely rid you off the longing. How? If you strictly
followed the process until now, it just happens. Out of nowhere. However, not
of the pain. No. The pain will stay for a little bit longer. But rejoice
because at least, the longing will be gone. That is not a small feat. This is
the time you will find yourself finally at peace. When you can hear love songs
again without breaking. When you can watch love stories without tearing up.
This is the time you will be able to relax. When you start wearing glasses
again to malls and not fearing accidentally passing by their work place. When
you don’t check license plates of the same model of cars they had. (I say all
this from experience). You know why you’re not afraid? Because you don’t
actually remember the fear anymore. Because you told yourself not to remember.
It’s a crazy theory but it works. The trick really, is telling yourself over
and over again, that there is no more cause to fear. They can’t hurt you
anymore. Physically and emotionally. They’re far and busy with their own lives.
You are too. Far from reach. There will be no way they can hurt you again.
Eventually, you will find yourself no longer remembering the things you fear.
The memories you fear coming back. The places and instances that will remind
you of them. You will find you’re no
longer afraid of it. They will no longer sting. However, if you ended in bad or
seriously bad terms, the anger will still be there.
Stage 3 – The PEACEFUL acceptance.
This is the last phase. Rejoice! You have finally done it. You are free of your
past and any ghosts that came with it. How did you think you got here? You got
here through numerous lapses and breakthroughs. So be proud of yourself. You
overcame something destructive physically and emotionally over and over again. Quite
exhausting but pain demands to be felt. The question is, how exactly do you get
here? You get here by dealing with your anger. This is probably the longest
stage you will be in. Around 10 months to 2 years. This is on average because
it could take earlier or longer for some. Depending on the emotions or any
important aspects invested, the damages caused, and the length of the
relationship. For me it was about 10months to a year. Dealing with your anger
comes and goes. It also goes to that process on the Anger stage. What you’re
trying to do here is letting that anger go. We all know that’s not easy.
Especially when vengeance is a factor. How does anyone let go of vengeance? I
personally find changing one’s mindset helps. This is after you go through all
the physical siphoning of that anger. After all that, go back to the reason why
you’re angry. That is where you’ll find the key in letting it go. I am not
saying forgiveness. Because not all people deserve that. Let’s not be martyrs
here. What I’m saying is being indifferent to the damages. Accepting that you
were also at fault. Accepting that if you will go back in time, you will have
done the same things. Accepting that bad thing in this world really happen.
That you are one of those people who are unlucky enough to have experienced all
that pain. You won’t be who you are without all of it. As Maui said, “It is
knowing where you are by knowing where you’ve been.”
Eventually, all these stages will
make sense. All those pain and lessons will be your key to far better choices
and diligently informed decisions. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn those lessons
properly the first time. However I am hoping, the second time finally did it.
Right now, I realized, everything happened because I was in a hurry. To find
love. To find the one. That impatience has caused me to be in two failed
relationships. I was broken first and then I was destroyed the second time. There
are insights you gain from all this. Positive and negative ones. It’s a matter
of how you balance your mental and emotional health to be stable enough to
start over again. Once you find you are ready, truly ready,
no-shortcuts-kind-of-ready to love again. That’s when you know, you’re finally
free of your past and ready to start a brand new adventure. So hang in there.
You are not alone. See you at the end of the tunnel! God bless!