DABDA part 3

continuation from DABDA part 2...

There's still so many great things the world has to offer.

DEPRESSION

Depression is the worst part of all the stages. (Update: This stage was written before I started dating my 2nd ex and finished right before I gave birth.) It will leave you in a pile of wet tissues, big puffy eyes, and long blank moments. This is where you feel that the entire world is crashing down on you. Where everything doesn’t make sense anymore. Where nothing could possibly take you out of your stupor. Nothing excites you or makes you want to get up in the morning. You just want to lie in bed crying and retracing all your conversations and decisions. What went wrong? Could I have done anything better? Did I make the wrong decision? All of your self-pity will keep resurfacing and bite you every chance it gets. Over and over again. This phase is not continuous as well. You can stay in these phase for a few days, and then be okay for a while, and then go back again after a few days. It is going to be intermittent, but be grateful for the good days and stay strong during the bad ones.

This is the cycle you wish you can get out of with the snap of a finger. But it doesn’t work that way. Again, as I have reiterated in my previous blogs, this is part of the process. As per The Fault In Our Stars, “Pain demands to be felt.” You have to allow yourself to grieve. You have to give yourself ample time to cry it all out and get it out of your system. There is no shortcut to pain and moving on. You have to eventually let all those that hurt, hurt you. Let it hurt you, every morning, every night, the next day, or weeks, or months. Let it hurt you. Until it can no longer hurt you anymore. For every memory, every place, every occasion, every wardrobe,  every gift, every restaurant, every inside joke, every hug, every kiss in the forehead, every memorabilia’s left in your place, for each of them, grieve. Grieve as if you’re burying all of them, all of the memories that came with it and all of the feelings attached to it. There is no better way of letting something go, except feel the pain and let it pass through. What worked well for me is, I do some visualizations. I envision my pain inside my body as a built up darkness that I am siphoning off as I cry it out, and it disintegrates into thin air. It has proven effective most of the times. But first, you have to accept this one truth, the other person is gone now and will not come back. Accept that first, because you can’t let go of something, which you haven’t accepted as no longer yours, and hasn’t been for a while.

You are going to feel like you’re insane. Crying over a Disney movie or Game of Thrones show you once watched together. Crying over a joke or meme you once shared to each other. Crying while playing PC, mobile, or board games which was once your favorite thing to do. Crying over your common interests, common likes and dislikes, common stuff like couple rings, shirts, caps, luggages, or shoes. Basically, you’re going to hurt and cry for all the things that reminded you of your relationship and your partner. You’re going to be crying a lot. Don’t stop it. Whenever you remember a memory that stings, cry it out. Whether you’re at a public place, at work (probably go to the CR first), or church (most comforting place for crying). Let it happen everyday or for the next weeks and months. Why? Because you know what, at some point in a given day, you’ll get tired of crying. You’ll find that reprieve. Be thankful for that reprieve. Even if it’s for just an hour or two. Even if you’ll cry again after that. Trust that there is going to be another break from crying. I find that I have a particularly hard time in the morning, and I cry within the first half of the day. As the day progresses, I get so tired from crying that I just get numb and sleepy. And since I get to talk to my friends at work about it, I feel a whole lot better by the end of the day. I end up sleeping early until I wake up again and that the cycle repeats.  Don’t worry, it’s a cycle that will break sooner or later.  Sooner or later, your reprieve will be longer, sooner it will not just be an hour but half a day. Then it will be one day or a few days. Then it becomes a week. So trust in the process, it will get better trust me. It is important to know that, it will all be entirely normal. It doesn’t mean that it’s taking you weeks or months to get out of your depression, that you are crazy. Or that, it means you will never get out of it unless you get back with your partner. No, you have to keep going back to the reasons why it never worked out and will never work out in the first place. You have to constantly redirect your thoughts to what matters to you, not just in the present, but in the future. It will hurt. Like stabbing yourself over and over again. But that is what’s supposed to happen. You just have to remind yourself to endure it.

I do not personally suggest listening to sad songs or watching love stories while crying or eating ice cream. That is a very masochistic thing to do when you’re trying to find reprieve not unnecessary pain.

It will be hard to get up in the morning. If you need to take a leave from work. Do it. At least a few days to at most a week or two. Allow yourself that much time to be with family and friends. Brainstorm with them and cry with them. But you have to go back to your world after that. Don’t prolong that leave of absence.  You have to will yourself to get up, get dressed, and go to work. I have found that staying at work is surprisingly helpful than staying at home moping by yourself. You can do all the moping in the morning and at night, but let yourself get some reprieve from your destructive thoughts and get some work done within the day. I became a workaholic after my breakup. I despised weekends because it meant all day crying. This is if my friends aren’t available to hang out with. And that lasted for a few months. Around 5-7months. That may have been too long for some of you, but it wasn’t that bad. Most of the times, I had friends spend those weekends with me. And eventually, I started liking weekends again around the 6th month, even if I’m just by myself. I could stay home again and binge-watch shows. However, I found a better way to spend my weekends. I found a better way to feel less alone.

I went back to school. I enrolled in Law school. Now, I spend my weekends at school and studying out. This was my key in getting out of my depression totally. I started feeling better about myself and my capabilities. I started remembering my worth. I realized that the root cause of my depression and pain in my past relationship was that I felt too little about my self-worth and value. So my action plan was to invest in myself more. Find a dream that actually makes sense. Find a passion that makes you worthy in any one’s eyes. At first, I did it with the intention of spiting my ex. But eventually that wears off. When you find something you actually love doing, you do it now for yourself. Not for anyone. You will come to realize that, nothing is sexier and more alluring than a person with direction and dedication.

ACCEPTANCE

This is the last stage of grieving. This is a tricky stage. We keep thinking we have accepted everything, then often find ourselves that we really haven't. It's been 3 years (as of this writing) since the first breakup that started this blog series. (Update: Wrote this stage 3 months after my breakup with my second ex.) In those years, there were many times I was proven wrong by my idea of acceptance. But acceptance has its own phases that goes through a process as well.

Stage 1 - The IN DENIAL acceptance. This is when you flip through all 5 stages at once, in a day or in weeks. Or when you think that at 2 weeks, 1 month, 3 months, or 6 months, you have accepted it. But actually, no. All you have done during these times is really just coping. For women, at 2 weeks, we are still crying and eating our ice creams watching love stories or listening to love songs. At 1 month, we have gained a little composure and have created a routine to keep ourselves busy. But breakdowns are still frequent. At 3 months, we have somehow found reprieve from the sadness. We have started feeling genuinely happy for some of the things we do. We start dating for the sake of breaking the emotional turmoil of the breakup. However, after a month, we realize we are not ready at all. These are few moments that we confuse with thinking we have accepted everything. But it doesn’t last. The breakdown comes back after 2 weeks. It becomes a cycle. Two weeks of seeming happiness, then back to 1 week of breakdown. This goes on until 5 months. At 5 months, we start dating again. This time, dating with emotions. You actually date someone who makes you feel again. However, the pain is still there and ghosts of past experiences and some longing that ruins the probable happiness of the present. So you stop dating again and finally get the break from constantly trying to find what can mask the pain and face it head on.

Stage 2 – The FEARLESS acceptance. This is when you start not fearing seeing your ex. The “in all honesty” unafraid of bumping into them. Not the in denial unafraid, but the fearless encounters. We all have been there. Fear is actually a big part of gauging if you have almost moved on. I say almost. Because you’re not there yet. Don’t worry, it won’t take long. At 7-9 months, you either find a new love, new passion, or just simply a better perspective, happier demeanor, and rigorous goals which will completely rid you off the longing. How? If you strictly followed the process until now, it just happens. Out of nowhere. However, not of the pain. No. The pain will stay for a little bit longer. But rejoice because at least, the longing will be gone. That is not a small feat. This is the time you will find yourself finally at peace. When you can hear love songs again without breaking. When you can watch love stories without tearing up. This is the time you will be able to relax. When you start wearing glasses again to malls and not fearing accidentally passing by their work place. When you don’t check license plates of the same model of cars they had. (I say all this from experience). You know why you’re not afraid? Because you don’t actually remember the fear anymore. Because you told yourself not to remember. It’s a crazy theory but it works. The trick really, is telling yourself over and over again, that there is no more cause to fear. They can’t hurt you anymore. Physically and emotionally. They’re far and busy with their own lives. You are too. Far from reach. There will be no way they can hurt you again. Eventually, you will find yourself no longer remembering the things you fear. The memories you fear coming back. The places and instances that will remind you of them. You will find  you’re no longer afraid of it. They will no longer sting. However, if you ended in bad or seriously bad terms, the anger will still be there.

Stage 3 – The PEACEFUL acceptance. This is the last phase. Rejoice! You have finally done it. You are free of your past and any ghosts that came with it. How did you think you got here? You got here through numerous lapses and breakthroughs. So be proud of yourself. You overcame something destructive physically and emotionally over and over again. Quite exhausting but pain demands to be felt. The question is, how exactly do you get here? You get here by dealing with your anger. This is probably the longest stage you will be in. Around 10 months to 2 years. This is on average because it could take earlier or longer for some. Depending on the emotions or any important aspects invested, the damages caused, and the length of the relationship. For me it was about 10months to a year. Dealing with your anger comes and goes. It also goes to that process on the Anger stage. What you’re trying to do here is letting that anger go. We all know that’s not easy. Especially when vengeance is a factor. How does anyone let go of vengeance? I personally find changing one’s mindset helps. This is after you go through all the physical siphoning of that anger. After all that, go back to the reason why you’re angry. That is where you’ll find the key in letting it go. I am not saying forgiveness. Because not all people deserve that. Let’s not be martyrs here. What I’m saying is being indifferent to the damages. Accepting that you were also at fault. Accepting that if you will go back in time, you will have done the same things. Accepting that bad thing in this world really happen. That you are one of those people who are unlucky enough to have experienced all that pain. You won’t be who you are without all of it. As Maui said, “It is knowing where you are by knowing where you’ve been.”

Eventually, all these stages will make sense. All those pain and lessons will be your key to far better choices and diligently informed decisions. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn those lessons properly the first time. However I am hoping, the second time finally did it. Right now, I realized, everything happened because I was in a hurry. To find love. To find the one. That impatience has caused me to be in two failed relationships. I was broken first and then I was destroyed the second time. There are insights you gain from all this. Positive and negative ones. It’s a matter of how you balance your mental and emotional health to be stable enough to start over again. Once you find you are ready, truly ready, no-shortcuts-kind-of-ready to love again. That’s when you know, you’re finally free of your past and ready to start a brand new adventure. So hang in there. You are not alone. See you at the end of the tunnel! God bless!