Surgery

I was floating. I could see myself being steered away by two white robed strangers on that elongated wheelchair. Seemingly unaware. Then I was lying again. I guess I was just overly imagining it. Especially when you're just lying there. Dazed. Seeing only the hospital lights pass through like some kind of scene from a movie. And I couldn't help myself from smiling like some crazed lunatic. Just earlier I was strutting along like some corporate girl on the catwalk. Busily chitchatting with a colleague while inside a jeepney. Talking about the exact, same, condition I am now in. How life bites sometimes. One time you talk about possible, rather far-fetched, circumstances and the next thing you know, you are in it.

I got home feeling sick. I was having severe abdominal cramps. I had them before and I have always thought it was only PMS. But this time, I just finished my monthly visit a week ago. So it couldn't be PMS still. It was piercing pain that I couldn't even get up. The pain was too much that I even puked. I was rushed to the emergency room. I went on various tests. Laboratory tests for CBC, urinalysis, stomach and abdomen ultrasound, trans-rectal and etc. I got there in the morning and I was only able to finally settle for a private room almost by dinner. Whew. What an efficient E.R?! By the end of the day I was informed I will have to undergo endometriotic surgery. What a shock! I got scared out of my wits! I just knew I had ovarian cysts. Multiple at that. But the largest one is too big (as big as a toilet paper roll) that it requires removal of the right ovary. I was asked why I haven't noticed the heaviness before. I'm not so sure myself. And at that moment, I couldn't even think clearly.

Scared? I was beyond scared. It was the next level after that. Which feels worse. As you are not openly voicing out your woes, cries, and unfounded paranoia. Like when you're at the brink of jumping off a fatal cliff. Saying, IT'S NOW OR NEVER. Even with the proper, clean, and sturdy set of equipment. Even with the best paramedics on standby. You still have to do the dive. (Minus the battle-cry of course) No shortcuts. And knowing anything can always go wrong. Even with the most calculated dive. And I think of myself. My sickly, weak self. With a mitral valve prolapse self. Will I really be sleeping it off? Will I really not feel unbearable pain? Will it really be successful? Filled by a drum of anxieties. Only and best thing to do is pray. And trust that everything will be all right. Because if not, I won't be able to do it with a calm demeanor. I would be in hysterics. I'd go berserk! Now I wouldn't want cardiovascular complication on top of it right? :)

As I was waiting to be shepherded to the world of the unknown, I saw a kid in his blue jammies being reeled in. (I wondered why he was not wearing the hospital gown or could be there's no size for him) He was around 8 yrs old. Not laughing. But not crying either. He was sort of feeling the room. With his parents fidgeting behind. My sister and parents were outside then. I thought no one other than the ER personnel is allowed in that part. Apparently, it still is. Beyond there is restricted. I realized, well, if that kid is strong enough for this, (Though I am not sure he actually knows what will happen to him) I should have a good chance of surviving right? It seems unethical but yes, the thought made me feel better. As the saying goes, a miserable being must find another miserable being, then he's happy. Thinking, we're all in this together. :D

Evidently, I didn't wake up in my hospital room. I woke up in the middle of the operation. I remember I was saying IT HURTS in a groggy kind of way. Hearing the sound of scraping intestines. Then somebody gave me a shot. Had a bit of groggy conversations until the next thing I know, I was out of the operating room after 3 hours, drifting in and out of sleep. Waking up with the pain saying IT HURTS in a groggy kind of way again. Until finally I was in my hospital room and slept for the next 5 hours. 

The rest is the recovery part. I got tons of visitors and well-wishers. Good-old-friends with their smiles and jokes. Really does help. Reminds you of the world you left behind for a while. I'm now in my third week of post-op. Feeling good? I suppose. But I know I will feel a whole lot better in the next few weeks. I'm still not without my usual unfounded paranoia and anxieties. Still battling day to day struggles. There are assurances of a new shot at life. However, still remains to be seen. :)

To be or not to be

crossroads X

Immobilized. Indecisive. Solicitous. I have never been this overwrought since the last time I had to make a decision to change lifestyles. It wasn't hard then. I had grand plans. Life was a painting of adventure. Now that I have experienced it, I concede it's true, that our choices show what we truly are. Far more than our abilities.

I am in my wildest crossroads yet. Roads at that as their are too many choices. Not the regular ones but the life-changing, career-pathing, and self-actualization options. For the past days I have thought nothing but what to decide. The sense of urgency is what's immobilizing me. Or the opportunity will pass me like catching a droplet of water in a vast expanse of dry land. Sigh. I wish life can be calculated like a mathematical equation. Or a multiple choice exam. And solutions are derived from the hypothesis of an experiment. But that's not how it works. To the most essential parts.

Decision making has never been my strength. Not that I keep failing at my choices. More of, the process never grew on me despite the numerous resolution issues I have to tackle with customers everyday. Right now I have 5 major paths to choose from. Only one of which will be the easiest to take and accept. Option number 1. Option 2 will not be easy as it involves moving up but a very good recourse if I'd like to stay in my comfort zone. And herein lies my anxiety if I can stand up and brace it. As per my mentor, if you do this now, there's no turning back. This will be the YOU in your future. Which is something you have to nurture, protect, and exceed from. A fact that cripples me. You see, going for it takes more than just guts, experience, and skill. You have to have passion for it. You have to understand it fully to be IT. The question is, do I?

Option 3 is what I prefer due to personal issues but is the riskiest to boot. As what my colleague said, "You'll be like a butterfly lost in a wild forest there." Nyahahaha. I never thought she'd know me to that extent. Given our differences. Anyway, yes, ditto on that. But I really want to try a new place. Live in a new environment. Try to survive in a big city. I'm living in a city too but my city is like Bohol's man-made forest while there is like the Amazon's rainforests. Wild and unforgiving. Not for the weak-hearted. Despite how many times I reiterate the pro's and con's in my mind, my overpowering need to go independent just bites at me every chance it gets. FREEDOM is madness. Mind candy for fools. Tsk2. Option 4 though if realized, will render option 3's anxieties, meaningless. As it will prove immaterial. Also, it will make option 2's crippling effect lesser. Because it's something I have worked with for the past year. It wouldn't be too hard now would it? :D That is if it's going to be realized. Really.

Option 5 is by far the worst I have come in contact with, which is just recently. A whole lot different from the rest. It's a complete turn-about like a 360-degree-turn. Wait, that doesn't make sense. It will bring me to the same spot. Well then, a 180-degree turn would do. Hehe. Going back, I just thought I had trashed all my aspirations of getting my dream job. But here it is, slapping me in the face for  my hypocrisy. So it never died then. And I guess it never will. But OH MY, it gave me the hardest dilemma since I started this craze last July.   What to do? What to do?? When will I be able to decide? Until when? When all this is gone? I need divine intervention. But how? I've been out of touch for more than a year now. Sad. :|

I don't know how to go about all of this. I don't know if I'll make the right decision. I don't know if I'll have my chance at that even. But I know for sure, I have to decide, A.S.A.P.... T_T

I'm like...

I'm like Pinocchio. It shows when I lie. :D

I'm like Steve in ALL ABOUT STEVE. Easily gets overwhelmed. Of what? Just watch the movie. :P

I'm like Alice in Wonderland. I have an imaginary world. With imaginary friends, imaginary enemies, and of course, an imaginary boyfriend. :))

I'm like Bella from New Moon. I'm forbidden to remember. But I'm terrified to forget. Indeed, it's a hard line to walk.

I'm like a daughter-in-law. And your my mother-in-law. You give me ambivalent feelings. :D

I'm like a moth to a flame. I get drawn to artificial or candle lights. And sooner or later it will burn me out... If I'm not careful. You see, I'm the moth. You're the flame. :)

I'm like a package. Signed, sealed, and delivered. Never owned and never opened. Just ignored, unnoticed. To the latest recipient, please for once, have the decency to RETURN TO SENDER under such circumstances. :)

I'm like the SPHINX. (Albeit with lesser monstrosity) I thrive on riddles for passage. Speak in riddles for concealment. Too personal, yet encrypted. Like exposing your innermost thoughts yet undecipherable by the naked eye. Thereby passage would mean trust. Concealment would mean understanding. :)

I'm like JACK of all trades. I have so many passions in so many fields, that I am a master of none. I wish I was great at something.

I'm like Anne Frank. Oppressed by the wars of the world. Yet undeterred. That long talk made me feel like I defended myself from all of it. Again. Thanks. :)

I'm like a general ledger. And you are under my doubtful accounts. As to when to write you off, that is subject for further analysis. :D

I'm like THE MAN WHO CAN'T BE MOVED. I sit still waiting. Waiting for something unexpected. Because I promised. And I always try not to break a promise. But why does it feel like such a curse? :(

I'm like Cinderella. By the time it strikes 10am, I should be out of the unending mind game. Running. Running for cover.

Raining bed

I'm no architect. So pardon my elementary drawing. As long as the point is clear. Besides, I can always hire a technician for this to work. I have my own pretty good mind-blowing blueprint. Fire away! :D

I am an insomniac. And I hate it! Whoever likes not being able to sleep at will? I have always envied those who can sleep in a jiffy. Because it takes a fun-filled outing for me to sleep faster than my head hitting the pillow. Even alcohol can't do it. It gives me palpitations which makes it a whole lot worse! Haha. If you have always been able to take a nap during jeep rides, bus rides (especially with the heat), lunch breaks (or breaks), a power nap after shift before going to an all night party with friends (or naps at that!), then you will not share my gusto for a raining bed.

It takes me an average of 30 minutes to an hour everyday before I can finally doze off. I'm not sure if that is because I think a lot. But dear me, I already think a lot all day! It's not as if I've always had love problems. At least THAT would be understandable. And I've been like this since I was a kid. Especially when my sister was still my "couch"-mate. She turns off the lights you see. And I can't sleep without at least a nightlight on. It's not the usual darkness. It's choking nothingness that one might get inside a covered well! So I'll have to wait for a flicker of light from some holes upstairs (which are from streetlights too) before my eyelids even start to feel heavy. (Imagine!) I guess that explains the dark circles round my eyes no matter how much night cream I put on it. :))

In high school, I got my own room. Got an AC. Got a nightlight. It didn't help. I still had troubles sleeping. So I had my niece sleep with me. But on a separate bed. I can't sleep together with that tornado-sleeping kid. :)) That helped. So I concluded, that it was paranoia that started it all. Then through an unfortunate event, I was able to watch "The Exorcism of Emily Rose". Have you ever had a movie that you wished you had not seen and can't even allow  yourself to think about? This was it for me. I often wake up at dawn even before. 3am to be exact. So imagine my horror when I watched this movie??? Hahahaha. Which was aggravated by another movie, a Filipino movie, "Wag Kang Lilingon". This one had the same concept about 3am. Both movies killed my every inch of need for horror or disturbing films. No more horror /disturbing movies for me after that. It took me years to be able to sleep again after waking up at 3am. Those times were tough for my sanity. Tough times indeed. :D *Footnote: This made me nocturnal. Basically why my call center job fits me. Because I don't have to sleep at night. :D*

Now to the reason why I've always had this crazy idea of a raining bed. I love the rain. Most people don't, especially those outside tropical countries. But it's not the heat I'm biased about. (Though I never liked sunny days.) It's the sound of rain. I read somewhere a long time ago, that the reason why babies respond to humming because that's more or less the sound inside the womb. And isn't the rain like a giant humming engine? Nyahahaha. I guess that's why I like the loud AC's too. It hums. But the rain is waaaaayyyy better! So imagine a bed where the rain is at your command... Feels like my dream of being Storm from X-Men can come true! :D

I had thought of this a long time ago. When I was asked what is the first thing you'd like to have when you get rich. Rain was my first choice. And there would be no more sleepless nights. I still have to get rich though. :)

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P.S. I have of course thought of the best alternative cure other than this. That is having someone to sleep with. But with getting rich and finding the love of my life, the latter is far more plausible! :))

Quoted phrases part 10

Alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is, if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too. -- P.S. I Love You (film) 

That is one great difference between us. Compliments always take you by surprise, and me never. -- Pride and Prejudice (book)

Vanity and pride are different things... Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us. -- Pride and Prejudice (book)

Hahaha. I like you! Nothing you say makes any sense! -- Rio (film) 

If you're ring finger is longer than your index finger, it means you're a lesbian. -- The L Word (tv series)

But the earth does not belong to man. He's only a tiny part of it. Man did not weave the fabric of life. He's but a thread within it. For we all share the same breath. -- Animals United (film)

Magic is just science we don't understand yet. -- Thor (film)

I'm a magnet of unavailable men. And i'm sick of it. -- The Wedding Planner (film)

Don't be your own bully. -- To Be Fat Like Me (film)

The world will tell you who you are, until you tell the world. -- To Be Fat Like Me (film)

New York is never finished... She is a lady only a handful of architects ever get to dance with. Do not miss your turn. -- How I Met Your Mother (tv series)

He was growing quite inattentive to other people and wholly engrossed by her. Could there be finer symptoms? Is not general incivility they very essence of love? -- Pride and Prejudice (book)

Eventually over time, we'll all become our own doppelgangers. This completely different people who just happened to look like us. -- How I Met Your Mother (tv series)

Zachary: Ms. August told me about you being here, helping out. She didn't mention anything about you being a white.
Lily: Maybe she didn't notice. -- The Secret Life of Bees (film)

I resisted you not for the lack of love. But because I was afraid of losing myself in it. -- From Prada to Nada (film)

Truth is nothing. What you believe to be true is everything.  -- Waiting for Forever (film)

Katherine: I need to start fresh, you know... Understand?
Danny: I guess.
Katherine: It's an awful lot of guessing coming through this phone. I'm divorced. I have 2 kids. I don't... I don't have time for guessing. -- Just Go With It (film)

You lied to me by telling the truth? -- Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides (film)

I have to preserve the Ayuzawa the whole day today properly. This digital camera will be the present. Letting you have a sense of self-consciousness is the purpose of this. -- Kaichou Wa Maid-sama (manga)

I just want to stay by his side! For the sake of being qualified to stand by the person you like, there's no other way but to work hard. -- Kaichou Wa Maid-sama (manga)

I just couldn't think someone like you could ever like someone like me. -- Something Borrowed (film)

disclaimer: I don't own the pictures. This is merely to put an image for the quote's resource.

Quoted Phrases intro

I made this introduction because I feel like I owe my series of blogs about quoted phrases this much. I am not sure how you perceived this part of my blogspot. So I need to clear things out. Melodramatic much. :))

I have started blogging during friendster days here... Leah's time to be heard!. I don't know how to delete this since I already deactivated my friendster eons ago. Haha. If anyone of you knows how, please email me. (SUPER THANKS!) I can only just hope that since friendster draws to a close, my blog there also does the same. :)) Anyway, this was the reason why I started blogging instead of writing on my journal. I used to have a journal. And NO it is not a diary. I have been saying that a journal and a diary is completely different in its functions! Because a diary is a daily account of events while a journal doesn't necessarily connote a daily basis of write-ups. A journal is more of reflections you have and how that made you feel. One which was encouraged by the Campus Peer Ministry I was once a volunteer of. It's more spiritual/psychological/emotional than WHINY! :)) (I'm drifting again with my topic.) I'll just start a new paragraph then. :D

You wouldn't believe me if I say I was not much of a poser during friendster days. And by poser I mean "vanity in pictures". My profile pictures used to be random pics of my idols. (Yes I was pathetic then.) Because I believed that I didn't look good to post pictures of myself. Imagine the difference to how I was now from the year 2004??? Incredible isn't it? Though shocking to most of my high school friends. :D I believed it to be growing more confident of one's self and believing you have a place in the world. Right? :D

Smurfy me!

So that basically follows, that before, I do not give my opinions of certain matters as easily as a blog post. Nor even in a conversation. All the more not in a chat box. I was too reserved and an introvert (Super introvert than how I still am now. Now is improved. Trust me.) I used to care about what others might think of how I view things. (As they are mostly random and weird.) Now, I hardly even care if they read/listen to it or not. We have freedom to express. We just have to maneuver through it. :D

This fixation in quoted phrases was the foundation of my love for vocabulary words, love for essays, and love for a masterpiece of a conversation like "free indirect speech". In short, I love WORDPLAY. That's when everything started. From then on, I became a writer/blogger gradually. I am not a pro. Nor have I boasted myself as so. But I know of a great wordplay when I hear/read one. :)

To wrap it up, (or to clear things out finally after writing those few paragraphs)... My quoted phrases are phrases I have heard or read through books, tv series's, anime's, movies and the like. These are phrases that have caught my attention, during particular conversations of characters, so strongly that I needed to write it down. I write it down with anything on hand, usually it gets saved on my cellphone's drafts. Quoting phrases became automatic to me now. It is not something I seek for just to get one. NO NO. It just gets my attention like a picture of a light bulb on one's head when an idea comes up. Which eventually got numerous that I had to get a drawing book full of it. (I used to have drawing books of stuff so unrelated to drawing. Haha. Check my blogs about it at Harry Potter and My Lexicon) Which I had realized I would lose in a jiffy, and so came my first blog on my first blog post in friendster... My list of quoted phrases from different sources or the one here... Quoted phrases from different sources. I just had a new quoted phrase from one of my favorite TV series How I Met Your Mother that actually triggered this blog. "Eventually over time, we'll all become our own doppelgangers. These completely different people who just happened to look like us." :D

Quoted phrases part 9

What is it with you gays??? Are you really that repulsed with lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?? -- Easy A (film)

Geez... when did, ah, teachers become privy on idle adolescent gossip? -- Easy A (film)

I don't know what your generations fascination is about documenting your every thought... who gives a rat's ass?? -- Easy A (film)

I like to keep my business to myself. Notoriety for whatever reason never seemed to benefit the noted. It's only the notees. -- Easy A (film)

I used to be anonymous. Invisible to the opposite sex. If Google earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-storey building. -- Easy A (film)

Who is it? that does all these? Who honors those we love which are the very life we lived? Who sends monsters to killers? And at the same time, scenes that will never die. Who

teaches us what's real? And how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live? And what we have died to defend? Who change us? And who holds the key that can set us free? It's YOU. You have all the weapons you need. Now FIGHT! -- SuckerPunch (film)

Follow excellence... success will chase you. Pants down. -- 3 idiots (film) 

Martha: What are you doing?! She's getting married!
Castle: It's just a picture.
Martha: No. It's a loaded gun. -- Castle (tv series)

Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught by desire, you only see the manifestations. -- Soul men (film) 

I've kissed guys. Yeah. But I've never felt that thing.. That moment. And everything around you becomes hazy. And the only think in focus is you and this person... And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry. Because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that It'll go away all at the same time. -- Never Been Kissed (film)

One has studied your mystery. Terrible wars are fought where millions have died for one idea. Freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people will be worth having. -- Bicentennial Man (film) 

Control the water. And you control everything. -- Rango (film)

I don't think you have a choice son. No one can walk out of his story. -- Rango (film)

The odd thing about this form of communication is, your more likely to talk about nothing than something. But I just want to say, that all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings. -- You've Got Mail (film) 

Speech Doctor: I believe sucking smoke into the lungs, it'll kill you.
Prince: My physicians said it relaxes the throat.
Doctor: They're idiots.
Prince: They've all been knighted.
Doctor: Makes it official then. -- The King's Speech (film)

Gambling is like playing mahjong with blank tiles. No one really wins. -- Mulan 2 (film)

I hate people who smile so purely. I never grew up happy. I could never laugh like that. -- Unstoppable Marriage (film) 

You can find true love just by the touch of a hand. -- Cinderella 3 (film) 

disclaimer: I don't own the pictures. This is merely to put an image for the quote's resource.

Letters to Juliet - A Concerned Friend 3

Another letter from the same concerned friend...

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xxx xxxxxxxx xxxx xxxxxxx
xxxxx, Cebu City
March 13, 2011

Dear Juliet,


Good Afternoon!

It has been a while since I made a letter for you. All this figuring out of the path is driving me crazy these days but makes me curious at the same time. I was also busy downloading and watching movies (as always). I am very elated that you have been enjoying this letter sending that we are having. This idea was partly influenced by the movie Letters to Juliet and other classic themed movies that I had been watching. So I permit you to post this on your precious blog. And talking about your blog, I would like to read your Random Thoughts entry but I don’t have a link, so please attach the link on your next reply.

I am pleased to hear that you are now in good terms with your family again and that you are not shutting yourself down to your dearest friends. I was a little worried that I might lose a friend; you are one of the few left.

These past few days I made myself certain, certain that I am over her. And you are right that being certain is the next step. I am happy that you still believe in love, it is a good sign that I have not influenced you completely. It is also a good thing so that you will still be there to convince me that there is in fact love. And you are right again that we should not conform to what the society wants. It is our life so the hell with what the society wants, they do not control our lives anyway (evil grin).

I hope you will not get tired of replying to the letters of mine. I would end this letter with a question; are you still in good terms with God?

P.S. I had a hard time composing this letter because our house is very noisy due to the people watching the modern gladiator (boxing) showing off their barbaric masculinity to the blood thirsty society. Made me realize that we are vampires indeed, we are more blood thirsty that those savage beasts.


Yours truly,

Anonymous (endearment name concealed)

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177-G T.Padilla Street
Cebu City, Cebu
March 20, 2011


Dear (endearment name concealed),


What a busy week!


It has been a while too that I was able to respond to your letter. But not to worry, the original agreement of day to day letter writing will now be at least weekly. Will that be agreeable to you? Since it seems that we are both busy with our mundane activities that is unfortunately important in life. Kidding.  And yes, I pretty much enjoy this kind of stuff which not many people value these days. I have often said that unpublicized conversations have more beauty than the status messages. Though pardon me for asking this discreet exchange to be exposed. I just can't help myself from noting the exquisite experience this madness brought. And thank you for accepting the challenge.  On the other hand, I had been giving you my blog's link if you failed to remember. Seriously (endearment name concealed)? Do you call yourself my friend? :)) Nonetheless, here's the link...
http://randomthoughtsmeetspenandpaper.blogspot.com/p/random-personal-thoughts.html.
You are free to browse the rest of them pages.

I am pleased to find myself at peace with my kindred too. Though they are the way they are, at least now I can find the good things I failed to see with my once shrouded mind. I must admit that I was thinking of severing ties for the time being with some of my friends but I'm petrified to think that what should have been temporary might eventually lead to estrangement. Now I wouldn't want that. Though I am alreay feeling some of it right now. But I'm trying to do something about it of course. I just have more pressing matters to attend to. I am glad that you consider losing a friend in me as horrendous. (Allow me to be a wee bit exaggerated. Hehe.)

I'm glad that you followed my prescription my patient.  Acceptance is the key to letting go. And now go forth little one and make use of the world! Hehe. You influenced me not in that but in how you keep moving forward despite having no direction these days. I could not fathom that but something which I continually strive for. I'm not saying I'm losing the track to life because I've always had a lot of gadgets to keep me on course, hence, my passions. But without that, I am uncertain as to how I won't become immobilized. That, my friend, is your influence. I have always believed in love. The only thing that changed is that, I no longer believe love is for me. Which I have come to realized through a series of unfortunate events.  Do not concern yourself of that. We have our own stand in life. And yes indeed, we control living.

Ow, that will never happen voluntarily. Coercing will stop me. And what a question! Then I should say, you have been able to observe me well enough to have asked. As for now, I am quite uncertain. But one thing is for sure... I am in rebellion.

Yes, noise could be one's greatest enemy at times. I agree, especially with Optimus Prime saying, we are a primitive race. But let's not generalize an act of one to embody the many. (I'm talking like I'm not part of the said race, aren't I? Hehe.) Though I personally could not even hurt a cockroach. Which is the reason why I could not accept the violence in the world. All this gruesome deformities due to some inexplicable psychotic human excuses. Let's not dwell on that my friend. That's why we are here. To make a change.



Your vainest friend,

Leah

Letters to Juliet - A Concerned Friend 2

And the correspondence goes on...

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xxx xxxxxxxx xxxx xxxxxxx
xxxxx, Cebu City
March 3, 2011

Dear Leah,

Good Day!

I would like to start with the letter with a question, when did you learn to call me (endearment name concealed)? Hehehehehe.

While I was reading your response, my nose started bleeding because of the words that are grueling to a fan like me. I don’t know why you were the first person that crossed my mind when I was planning to write this letter. It makes me wonder until now. Hmmmmmm…

I believe that you are a strong person and with that I know you can surpass the storm you are about to face. It’s your self exile that I worry most. I know I should not be worried because you said that I should not be worried but I could not help myself but to worry.

Truthfully, I am also not certain if I feel hurt when I think of her with him. I don’t really visit that thought, I usually think of other things instead. But when I saw her last Sunday together with him, I felt nothing or maybe I just ignored the feeling. I seldom see both of them these days which is very fitting to the situation. I am happy for them both, especially knowing that they are going stronger. I also believe that love is not the only thing that makes the world go round. The reason might be that I don’t believe in love itself. I sometimes do not understand myself, how I think compared to most men. No matter how I try to be the ordinary man the society wants me to be I just think differently. I am just not the ordinary man they will have. Nothing really makes sense in my life right now, but in due time I will find my way to the fountain of life.

I don’t believe in destiny and I believe that you will find someone who will love you because you are a very lovable person, though snooty and moody most of the times. I am always praying for your happiness and will always be praying for it till you find it.


Your fan nalang.

Anonymous

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177-G T.Padilla Street
Cebu City
March 8, 2011


Dear *endearment name concealed*,

A pleasant morning avid fan!

I could not seem to remember when I started to call you *endearment name concealed*. But rest assured it did not start recently. I have a strong feeling it was after our trip to *obvious place concealed*. I can be wrong.

My catch phrase had always been to invest in your mind. One of which is vocabulary. It wouldn't hurt to get acquainted with some of the most unused words in the dictionary. It gives you an advantage. Plus, it makes one sound cool. Do you agree? :))

When I said there was a storm coming, I never thought I'd be faced with a very fervent desire on one such particular goal that I'm willing to sever some ties. My self exile had started January this year but had been planned since last year. Did you read the blog I wanted you to read first? If you did, then you will know I am just excruciatingly tired of all the seemingly profound interpersonal activities. Except of course for those gatherings from the closest of friends. If you haven't read my "random thoughts" blogs, then your pursuit of trying to understand the situation I am in, is futile. Though it is highly appreciated, but as I have said through numerous occasions, I express myself very well in writing. Enough of my reprimands, but I must say, your use of the word WORRY in one sentence can get you a world record. :) Do not bother yourself with my seclusion perpetua. I may have disengaged myself from society but I am well content with the company of my family as of the moment.

If you are not certain, then BE CERTAIN. That's the surest way to the next step. But if time is all you have, then let nature take its course. And wait.  I believe in love. Even if I have never experienced it. Because I can see it in others. As one author said, "Knowing is independent of being." True indeed. That explains all abstract ideas, though intangible, as true. Ahhh... the beauty of logic. :)) Going back, being out of the ordinary doesn't necessarily entail conforming to society. No one is ordinary nowadays. They follow their own unique dreams. Each to his own. So cheer up, you are not alone. If nothing makes sense, then find one. If that's too much to ask, then go with the flow. One is entitled to have their lapses. If ever you get back to the road of life, we will all be here to welcome you back.  I am currently on the tough track to life but I sure as heck will be getting there. Positive thinking.

I believe in destiny. Again, for others. But I'm not waiting for destiny. I'm making my own. Thank you for the prayers my good friend. I hope it works if it's not from me. :)) Kidding. This letters are making me think. I like it. But I don't know how long your madness is going to last but since I have you now, I would like to ask permission to post this on my blog. Of course, no name dropping. And I will title it, LETTERS TO JULIET. Awesome ayt?


Your vainest friend,

Leah

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Stay tuned. :D

Letters to Juliet - A Concerned Friend

A Concerned Friend

As explained by the previous blog, I'm blogging the ow-so-called letters I get. Of course with the permission of my sender on the condition of complete anonymity. Like I would divulge that? Hehehe. Here's the first letter and my response. :)

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A Letter for you
xxx xxxxxxxx xxxx xxxxxxx
xxxxx, Cebu City
March 2, 2011

Dear Leah,

Greetings!

On my way home today I realized that it would be a wonderful feeling to write and read letters everyday like what people used to do in the previous years. So it crossed my mind to write a letter though the means is quite modern but still the idea is quite fascinating, so don’t be alarmed if I am writing to you in quite a peculiar way.

This letter is also one way of checking on you once in a while especially that your storm is fast approaching. I don’t have any idea on what your storm is all about and I don’t even have an idea how to help you calm the storm but I hope writing them down like a letter will help you ease some pain.

I had been thinking on what you had said about me being lifeless and I had realized that I was indeed lifeless for several months. I hope you believe me if I would say that I am over my feelings for her. But writing this letter also makes me doubt the previous statement that I wrote. I don’t really know what denial is, but I know how to be emotionless, I had been very good at that and being lifeless is one of that. The good thing about my “lifeless mode” is that I became optimistic (don’t ask me why I just felt optimistic) in life. I learned how to appreciate simple things like the air, the sound, and the beaming lights during my ride going home, even life itself (I am starting to sound very dramatic right now). But because of lifelessness I became too unemotional that sometimes I had to literally punch the wall to feel pain. I have almost 6 years left before I turn 30 and I haven’t figure out what to do after that. I still have no direction at all, though I am now looking forward on what the future brings.

I hope you could also write to me in a friendly letter format. And I am hoping that you could also share the storms in your life.


Your Friend,

-Anonymous-

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177-G T.Padilla Street
Cebu City
March 03 2011


Dearest Anonymous,

Greetings avid fan!

I appreciate the effort you have made in sending this fan mail.  I myself is a believer of the old school communication system. If only the world can go back to snail mails for (at least) a short period of time. That would truly be wondrous! I also acknowledge the fact that I was one of the few people that crossed your mind during your bouts of randomness. That is quite an elating thought. <<<*with British accent for this part* As the cliche goes, what are friends for?

It is also a comforting feeling to know my friends do take time to check on me once in a while. Though for some, in a very peculiar manner. *raising my brows to you*  I have a fair amount of storms in my life that I believe you would not take pleasure in listening. Besides, we all have our own troubles in life. I am not a fan of whining and fussing over trivial concerns. But I do share those that matter. I may seem robotic nowadays but I do know when my limits to blowing up is coming. And when that time comes, I will share and keep myself sane. You don't have to worry about that.

I do believe you my friend. But I would just like to ask you one question, and answer it as truthfully as you can. Do you still get hurt at the thought of her and him? If so, then you are not totally over the feeling. But, being totally over one person does not necessarily mean you have to stop feeling for them. You are in foundation, friends. And that includes involvement. But in time my friend, you will be able to be with them and will not feel that pang of unrequited love anymore. In time you will feel genuinely happy for them and maybe, in the future, be the best man at their wedding. (And I'm going to be the maid of honor, unless *name concealed* wants to have her sister as one. Hehe.) Actually, what my observation was, you being lifeless not for THAT reason. But being lifeless because it seems like you are waiting for the world to interest you. I am not speaking of lovelife. No. To most people, that alone keeps the world go round. I beg to disagree. I admit that I long for someone to care for and be taken cared of. But what's the use in longing for one if destiny does not allow it? I accepted that fact and found out I can view myself living alone for the rest of my life. And it did not scare me at all. I realized, for the person that I am, maybe, I am great in being alone. THAT having been certain, I focused on other things in life that interest me. TRAVELING. And so right now, I'm saving myself for that. A direction. That is what you lack my friend. I am not saying that you need to make one in a jiffy. I did not come to my realizations until I was 23.  I am happy to know that you can find the joy in life in the littlest things. That is a start. Do not dwell much in what you do not have. Focus on what you can do with your life. Keep in mind what I asked you. Do not make me ask you again this. 'What's wrong with your life Anonymous?'


Your vainest friend,

Leah


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Next blog will be another response. Keep tuned in. :)